The Program: Step 3 - Solutions
Type 3 Solution
Okay, I know this list sounds harsh, but you're here, so it
obviously means something to you.
You meet women that you're interested in,
but they're not interested in you at all
I'm also going to be up front and say that this area is a bit
weak. We can use some help, so if you have any ideas on how
to make this better please
You're lacking in social skills
This is a tough one because it's so general and there's so
many different types of social skills. One that's difficult
for most niceguys, is "giving your friends some
shit." If you like people, you're nice to them. It wouldn't
occur to you to call your friend "Stinky" (to use a
very 1950's sounding phrase).
Another example is "small talk." Yes, it does
seem boring and pointless, but you need to learn how to
do it anyways.
This is one where I'm going to cheat for a moment, pull a
"Dear Abby" and tell you that you need to see a
therapist...someone who has the professional contacts to
get you together with the right person so that you can start
learning these skills.
Another way of dealing with this that's so obvious that I
didn't even think to mention it is to practice your
social skills. Whether it's the cute checker down at the
grocery store or seeing if you can get a smile out of the
person behind the desk at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
It doesn't hurt. (Thanks for the reminder Jay.)
You don't dress well
If you don't dress well, you may not know it. Compare what you
wear to what other people who are dating are wearing. How different
are these two?
If you realize that you don't dress well, save up some money
and get sneaky. Find a fairly attractive female co-worker (think
"target audience") or friend who will give you
the time of day and tell her that you're trying to upgrade your
wardrobe but really need some help. You have to be careful, she
might try to dress you up like a fashion-victim, but she also
might help you get into some stylish attire.
You're physically unattractive
This is such a broad category, it's tough to start. The first
thing is to figure out if being physically unattractive is
really your problem. Your best bet is probably checking your
yellow pages for an "image consultant." If you don't
live near a major city, it may be difficult to find one.
If you're short, you already know that you have an extreme
disadvantage. Most women want to date men who are at least
three inches taller than they are...they like being able to
wear high heels and still be shorter than their boyfriend.
This means that you're going to have to focus on your other
strengths. Since you will probably have a harder time getting
the first date, you'll have to find ways of increasing your
chances for getting a second, third, etc. date. Actually,
that's just good general advice.
The main thing I've found is combining treating her well
with having a life of your own. Being a good conversationalist
also helps as do knowing how to: dance, cook, and give
Any other suggestions?
With some major exceptions, it is far easier for men to
lose weight than it is for women. I hate to be brutal, but unless
it's due to a medical condition, we don't have an excuse.
By the way, before you start in with the diet plan of the week,
understand one thing: diets don't work. What does
work is eating less and exercising more. If calorie output is
greater than calorie input and you don't let your body go into
starvation mode by dieting you will lose weight. I moved to
Silicon Valley in 1996, started working with computers, didn't
exercise and proceeded to gain 45 pounds in 2-1/2 years. I started
taking dance classes and going out dancing and I cut back on how
much soda I drank. Not too difficult, huh? I lost 20 pounds in a
year-and-a-half...and I've kept it off.
I know that compared to a lot of people that's not much, but
it only takes minimal changes to make a major difference, but
it does take some time. You might want to try
Here's a thought for anyone who thinks that little changes don't
make a difference: a can of Dr Pepper soda has 160 calories; there
are 365 days in a year; a pound of body fat is 3,500 calories.
This means that one can of Dr Pepper a day is equal to over 16
pounds of fat a year.
Note: Dr Pepper is the unofficial soda of NiceGuys.Org
You have emotional problems
We've all been through the 80s, 90s, and dating...we all have
emotional problems. Now we need to deal with them. If you can't
deal with them by yourself, find a good results-oriented therapist.
Many of them will try to keep you coming back forever. You have
better things to do.
You have habits that women don't like (You smoke/drink too
Figure out what your problem area is and find friends who will
help you. You are probably going to need to find a support group.
You have our sympathies. There have been studies that show that
quitting smoking is harder than quitting cocaine. Your brain
has receptors which are specifically designed to interact with
nicotine. Before quitting smoking you need to consult your
doctor the nicotine modifies your brain chemistry and
if you try to quit on your own, you're going to have a hell
of a time.
Another thing is that you're going to have to avoid your
smoker friends, it's next to impossible to quit with your
friends going out and taking their smoke-breaks.
A few drinks are okay but if you're not in control, that's
another story. And one of the first things you lose when you
drink is judgement. How many of the people who are involved
in drunk driving accidents do you think said to themselves,
"Wow. I'm really, really wasted and my coordination is
gone, but I think I'll drive home now."
By the way drunk drivers are not NiceGuys. If you're
a drunk driver, you don't care about other people's lives.
This should be fairly self-evident, but shower every day
(especially after exercising). Use deodorant. Use cologne
when going on a date...but not too much.
About fingernails: Keep them short. Keep them clean.
Also, there are two things that may not be under the category
of poor hygiene, but people think of them that way:
If you have any other ideas please
If you're not sure if you have dandruff, get a black shirt,
lay it out flat, put your head over it and scratch your head
vigorously for about 20 seconds. If you see it on your shirt,
other people have noticed it.
Try Head & Shoulders and Selsyn Blue. If they don't work,
call your doctor. Also, changes in weather may cause dandruff.
If you're prone to dandruff, you might want to use one of the
medicated shampoos as a preventative.
It's not just for teenagers anymore. If you have a few pimples,
don't stress it, just try to keep your skin clean and use
whatever pads or topical medication seem to help. If you
have cystic acne (lumps that are deeper and don't have a
head) the topical medication may not help as much. Talk to
your doctor about tetracycline, Accutane, or other options.